My Innocence is Clouded

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It be Allie

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[17 Nov 2004|03:10pm]
What kind of school has every farm, environment, and redneck course you could imagine but no painting. My school, that's what kind. I've taken everything I want to take. Everything except painting, that is. Only, I won't be able to take painting because our stupid school who is too absorbed with the amount of underused technological instruments in the classrooms to care about the diversity of the electives. Bleh.

I'm wasting my time this year. I only need one class. Things would be a lot easier if I only had one class too. Bleh.
blind my child-like eyes

[15 Oct 2004|09:44am]
It has been oh, about 15 weeks since I've updated. I don't really have a reason to update anymore. I'm just concentrating on getting into a decent college and out of Warner Robins.

I've no desire to form new bonds or friendships, simply to group with those who share my same goals and will help me accomplish them. I think we could form a win-win companionship here (even if I do get annoying).

I've decided to apply to:
Agnes Scott
Tech(I know I won't get in, but I can try!)
VSU(safety, of course)

ugh. I think I may become a vagrant. Sure, I'd have to give up some food, but vagrancy can't be that bad, can it?
2will|blind my child-like eyes

[01 Jul 2004|07:38pm]
I reallyreallyreally don't like Warner Robins.

Maybe it's just the people I don't like. Most of them are so manipulative, rude, and superficial. Can someone please prove to me otherwise?

...except you, Dani. You're leaving, though. That's no good. :(

edit: this made me much happier. It was right on time, too.
Meeting another of the top 5 in a sweet, soft talking girl named Allison Williams. Anyone who has anything bad to say about this girl is a damn fool and I'd put my foot in thier ass if they said it to me.
2will|blind my child-like eyes

[29 Jun 2004|04:02pm]
Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results
Sociability |||||||||||| 38%
Aggressiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62%
Assertiveness |||||||||||| 38%
Activity Level |||||| 18%
Excitement-Seeking ||||||||||||||| 42%
Enthusiasm |||||||||||| 34%
Extroversion |||||||||||| 38%
Trust |||||| 14%
Morality ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Altruism ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Cooperation ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Modesty |||||||||||||||||| 54%
Sympathy ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Friendliness |||||||||||||||||| 57%
Confidence |||||||||||| 34%
Neatness |||||||||||| 38%
Dutifulness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Achievement ||||||||| 30%
Self-Discipline |||||||||||| 38%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Orderliness ||||||||||||||| 48%
Anxiety |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Volatility |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Depression |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82%
Self-Consciousness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78%
Impulsiveness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74%
Vulnerability |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Emotional Stability |||||| 20%
Imagination ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Artistic Interests ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%
Introspection |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86%
Adventurousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66%
Intellect ||||||||||||||| 50%
Liberalism ||||||||||||||| 50%
Openmindedness ||||||||||||||||||||| 64%
Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test
personality tests by
blind my child-like eyes

[29 Jun 2004|11:20am]
I have a horrendous scab on my nose from my face's meeting with the bottom of the pool at my uncle's house. I look rough.

My cousin left Saturday. I'm kind of glad that she left. I know that sounds bad, but she worries me too much for my own health. I can't deal with that much. I just can't. I didn't write about what I saw at Six Flags. The girl cuts. I say cuts, but what I really mean is hacks away. We were sitting on the swings at Six Flags waiting for the ride to start when I saw the scars on her legs. They were like trenches, the most horrible scars I have ever seen. Oh boy. I won't go into detail about what happened with that, but you should have an idea about how worried she makes me.

This makes me happy though:

2will|blind my child-like eyes

[22 Jun 2004|09:44pm]
I was bored today, so I took Ashlee and had my hair cut.
hercutCollapse )
2will|blind my child-like eyes

[21 Jun 2004|12:13am]
I told Dani I would put a picture of Buddha Bill, and ended up going picture crazyCollapse )
5will|blind my child-like eyes

[28 May 2004|12:23am]
What I haven't done in a while: update.

I've kept myself pretty busy. It was like staying busy was a way to not think about things. I was enjoying life and feeling like I had purpose. All of a sudden summer hits and it stops. There's nothing but me. Everything I had been avoiding for so long has hit me in a rush. Last night I drove around sobbing all night. I really wanted someone to hug me, or at least talk to me, but no one would. I tell you, that sucks.

What really made me upset though is the lack of true friends. I thought I had found them, the ones to last forever, but no. I help them whenever they need help, comfort them "Allie-bear, you're the only one who can make me feel better." When I need comfort, it's just me and the road because there's nothing else around.

I almost did two things last night:

I almost drove to New York.. or at least Atlanta without telling anyone.

I almost drove my car into a streetlight on purpose.

Yes, I am crazy. I don't think the medicines are doing their job. I'm supposed to feel happier, not more suicidal.

Anyway, I yelled at everyone in the house, including my brother's girlfriend (who is currently living with us). I told her to dye my hair, so she did. I now have purple hair. At least something is right.
5will|blind my child-like eyes

[09 Apr 2004|10:36pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

I miss him. Yes, of course that him, who else would I be talking about? There's so much you all missed. So much wonder and joy. We hid ourselves well.

You never saw us together did you? It would drive me crazy spending entire afternoons with him and then having to sit and pretend nothing was going on in class. His words, they hurt me so much: "If you tell anyone, I'll just deny that this ever happened." I still held on, though. He's the only one to hold on to me too. Even if it was secret from you, I won't forget the night he had the guts to wrap his arms around me in front of Jonathon.

After he played me.. a few times, I said I'd had enough. Now I realize it was all my fault. I never made an effort to start anything for real, and he got bored. Because I'm a coward, he had to find other means of public display.

I want him to come back now. I miss him. He was my best friend. He knew everything about me. He also said that he couldn't let me go because I knew too much about him, I knew him all too well.

Oh well, it's all over now. There's no use living in the past is there?

I'll just be sure not to make the same mistakes. Next time, I'll have the courage.

blind my child-like eyes

[31 Mar 2004|10:07pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Brace yourselves for this, guys...

God is amazing.

I finally realize why I've been so sad, why everything I would depend on would fall out. Everything I was depending on wasn't God. He was just proving to me that I really just can't function without his help.

Tonight I had the most glorious experience.

We were singing breathe and I actually began to mean the words I sang. After feeling so empty, I was desperate for anything to take away the hole. As I sang, God began to move over me. For those of you who have read any Anita Blake books, when she describes how others' power is so strong around her, she can't even breathe, that was what I felt. God's power enveloped me and filled me until I couldn't breathe. I felt like I would burst. I knew that I had to let everything go, to give everything over, so I lifted my hands in the air and let everything I've been dealing with go to God. The rush of power I felt after that was so intense that my body couldn't handle it, and I began to shake. It sounds violent or painful, but it was wonderful. I felt love stronger than any other I've known. I'm still waiting for the shaking to wear off.

I feel alive again. After the emptiness, I'm so happy to be alive again.

blind my child-like eyes

Movie theater encounters are always interesting [26 Mar 2004|11:01pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Tonight Britnee and I saw Scooby Doo 2. It was better than the first one, but still not too much like the cartoon. At least they made some attempt to work the cartoon's characteristics into the movie.

After the movie, Britnee had gone to get a drink, leaving me to fend for myself against the leaving crowd. Some obnoxious kid walks up to me:

Kid: Velma!
Me: *stares*
Kid: Velma do you know Daphne?
Me: maybe.
Kid: What about Scooby?
*kid's mom wisks her away*
Kid: Bye, Velma! *waves*
Me: *blinks, confused, wonders if she really does look like Velma*

Do I really look like Velma? I am not skinny enough nor short enough to be Velma. Thank you very much.

3will|blind my child-like eyes

[22 Mar 2004|09:50pm]
[ mood | busy ]

I had an extremely hectic day.

The orthodontist decided to shove MORE in my mouth. I now have a box set of rubber bands, and can only open my mouth about an inch.

Therapist was going to put me on medication, but since we had a "breakthrough" (ha!) today when she found out I'm sad because I'm lonely she just wants me to find something that would make me not so lonely. If I knew how to make the loneliness go away, I wouldn't be having the problem now. Also, she says it's partially because I'm maturing faster than normal and am experiencing what people normally experience during college, but I don't have the means to handle it.

I decided to read Pride and Prejudice for my Lit project. Laura scoffed at my selection.

I will be playing third base with the occasional pitching for softball this year. I think you should come to just one game for just a few minutes.

My brother is a pig with his women.

3will|blind my child-like eyes

[20 Mar 2004|02:50pm]
[ mood | content ]

mmm, I forgot just how much I love bubble baths when no one's home.

.. and cold coffee drinks

..and aromatherapy candles

..and just being alone without wanting to go somewhere

..and not worrying about anything relationship-wise because there's no one I'm interested in and no one's interested in me (more good than bad, I've come to realize)

It is also a very lovely day, is it not?
blind my child-like eyes

A little excerpt from my actual journal [09 Mar 2004|09:06pm]
[ mood | busy ]

I seek solitude occasionally. Solitude allows for simple reflection, no interference from others, though reflection in itself can be interference. True solitude is unattainable once a person has contact with others because the memories of one person can stay with you and infiltrate your mind to the point of complete domination. You see the person, what they're wearing, how they look at you. You hear their voice resounding in your head. Their presence is so real that they appear to be in the room with you. Solitude is ruined by the visions. Solitude is forever tainted.

Perhaps it isn't solitude I seek, but merely the absence of contact with human beings. Contact is what kills me after all.

1will|blind my child-like eyes

[07 Mar 2004|09:45pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Courtney's big multi-city party was last night. I had fun, met some new people, talked to her dad about volunteering my summer away to the camp (and he said he would consider me.. why do you have to consider volunteers?), and got attacked by an evil cat when I walked by it (I didn't even try to touch it!).

I left a little early and went to my grandma's house to play pool.. again. I played a few games until Renee showed up. Then we played some more and hung out . I ended up taking over half her bed.

Since my car overheated, I'm having to drive my brother's old eclipse. The radio doesn't work because you have to put in some code that no one knows, so I've been driving around in silence. No fun, man.

I ended up going to Stevie B's to fulfill Renee's need for greasy pizza and taking my aunt, uncle, cousins, Renee's friend Andrew (who looks and sounds like he's 30!), and Britnee & her little sister(because I couldn't go tanning with them)with us. Funny how things grow like that. You start out with 2 people and then BAM! 20 people. Right then.

I scraped my knee up when I fell off the sidewalk while chasing the soccer ball. That's sad, I know.

blind my child-like eyes

[29 Feb 2004|10:20pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

Ugh. The manager at Stevie B's is really pissing me off. It's been 4 weeks in a row that the manager has told the asst. managers that he was going to put me on the schedule for the following week. I COULD be working at Chik-Fil-A as we speak, but no, stupid Stevie B's manager has to be an ass. I swear, if I don't even get the chance to work, I'm going to give that man a piece of my mind. They better have security up in that place.

I kick butt in pool, yo (when I'm playing against little girls anyway).

blind my child-like eyes

[28 Feb 2004|11:00am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

I enjoyed myself tonight.

The original plan was to go to Stevie B's at 6:00. A few people had rehearsal, so we pushed it back to 9:00. We filled the time by going to the mall and walking around. The new girl Brittany(is that's how you spell her name) was there. She looked like she would be stuck up to me, because she's pretty, but she was really nice. After a romp through Books-A-Million we went through Bruster's and got some cotton candy explosion(after bugging the man inside first)... Cotton candy explosion has POP ROCKS in it. How cool is that? So, naturally, we spent the time going to her house and some time after that playing with the pop rocks in our mouths. Pop rocks do not spark in the dark, I'm sorry to report.

I never did make it back to Stevie B's. I was enjoying myself at her house too much. I think I want to get to know this girl better.

blind my child-like eyes

[22 Feb 2004|03:04pm]

I don't think it's good for me to keep these pills mr. gave me out in the open to tempt me.
2will|blind my child-like eyes

[21 Feb 2004|05:42pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

I was propositioned by a nice older girl. hm...

Last night was weird. I felt like a fish in a fishtank, looking at all the strange little people running around doing things I don't understand.

Today was a beautiful day and I took great advantage of it with my sunroof and windows. I turned on the music and drove until I didn't know where I was. I went down this road with no one around. It was so wonderful that I had to scream.

Somehow I found my way back to my house after that adventure.

blind my child-like eyes

[19 Feb 2004|06:59pm]
[ mood | blah ]

I saw this in a book I'm re-reading (Carrie Pilby) and I thought Caroline would be amused. Maybe? Yes? No? Anyway, I'm notoriously asexual.

My rules make perfect sense to me, but people find them strange. Still, I need them to survive. This world isn't one I understand completely, and it doesn't understand me completely, either. People think I'm odd for a [sixteen]-year-old girl...that I neither act excessively young nor excessively "girlish." In truth, I feel asexual a lot of the time, like a walking brain with glasses and long dark hair and a mouth in good working order. If we were to talk about sex as in sex, as opposed to gender- as everyone seems to want these days- I would say that my mind's not on sex that much, and I was never boy-crazy when I was younger. Which makes me different from just about everyone...So much of the world is sex-obsessed that it takes someone practically asexual to realize just how extreme and persuazive it is. It is the main motivator of other people's activities, the pith of their jokes and the driving force behind their art, and if you don't have the same level of drive, you almost question whether you should exist. If it's sex that makes the world go around, should the world stop for those of us who are asexual?

3will|blind my child-like eyes

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